I wrote this when I had my first miscarriage in October 2010. It is a series of journal posts I wrote beforeIi was introduced to blogging!
This is the first one.
Maybe this will help some of you who have also been through or are going through loss:
Today is exactly six months on from losing baby Miriam. With time it’s got easier to say her name. I’d like to say the loss gets easier with time too. But it hasn’t. It actually gets harder.
With every person who announces their new pregnancy, next milestone, gives birth, there’s me. Empty. Wondering if I will ever get to experience those joys again. And I’m happy for those people. And I accept and understand they are happy and excited. And they should be. It’s the most amazing, joyous, miraculous thing two people could ever do. That is what makes it hurt so much. I lost that. Will I ever get to have it again?
To anyone who has lost a child, whether it be after a few secret weeks in the womb, or a few hours after birth, or a few weeks or years into life, you all know that you never forget how it feels. The saying goes ‘it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’. How bitter sweet. How achingly true but how it fills me with anger!!! When I have to ask the question why did I never see my child or hold her? Or why only a few hours? Weeks? Years?
So time goes by and life returns to normal and you ask why? And wonder if anyone remembers that child that you carried?
Well in the midst of this pain and sorrow God spoke directly to me this week, and in my emptiness and longing I found peace and joy and strength and HOPE!
In October my good friend Esther bought me some snowdrops and I decided to plant them in memory of Miriam underneath Maisie’s Rosebush. As January came and went the snowdrops did not flower. With a little hope I thought maybe they’d be late and flower in February? Nothing. With the last bit of hope maybe early March? Its rare for snowdrops to flower late March or April so was this the only hope I had? Nothing. I knew they were only symbolic so I accepted that this year I would not have a flowering reminder.
Spring now fully in the air and new life all around, my life takes some changes too.
On Monday God showed me Hope is not lost. There underneath Maisie’s sprouting Rose is a single beautiful delicate snowdrop. Pure white against the stark earth. Shooting out. New life. To most unnoticed in my garden. To me it screams of HOPE! It’s unheard of to flower in nearly April. And this week of all weeks. Six months on and with new life starting again in me I realised that in the emptiness, brokenness, tears, exhaustion and confusion, that God really does care. And in Him He brings new life. He smiled on me. And though my hope had faded in the natural my Hope in God never fades. It may flicker and fade and get forgotten at times but it is never snuffed out.
So time may not be a healer. But Hope in God the Almighty is.